I love the abstract,
~ Anais Nin
But do I?
SARK’s “Succulent Wild Woman” invites me to lean into my life as a woman and an artist as does “voluptuously wordless sensation” and who doesn’t want to live ecstatically… but abstract, vague… not so much, thank you very much.
I am exploring the Seeker archetype in my life. As a teen this energy helps to move us, shape us, define us – we embark on the quest of independence, launch from the nest and take flight… stumbling, frustration and conflict are all just a part of the journey as is the high of freedom and righteousness.
And then it comes full circle and smacks us right in the face that is just starting to show the cracks, the wear and tear, of the life leading us to middle age.
We begin by longing for a return to the time of innocence… This urge motivates much of our seeking and striving in life; but whatever we attain, it is not satiated. No love, no work, no place, no achievement will give us the paradise we yearn for, although it does motivate our quest and get us going.
We can fulfill the yearning, however, when we become real and give birth to our true selves. Because we feel partial, disconnected and fragmented, we yearn to become whole and connected. The yearning gets projected onto a desire for an external paradise but can only be satiated when we realize that the real issue is expanding our consciousness beyond the boundaries of Ego reality. We must find what we seek inside ourselves.
~ Carol S. Pearson, Awakening The Heroes Within
And that is smack dab in the middle of where I find myself… in my life, in my art, in my profession. 40 is sneaking up fast and it whispers, “why have you not accomplished more?” – because the life I have chosen is somehow not enough.
And the questions overwhelm…
- Should I change jobs?
- Find another profession?
- Stop one part time job and pursue the other full time?
- Should I exercise more or less or in a different way?
- Should I give up wine? Drink better wine?
- Should I paint more or quilt more?
- Should I blog more?
- If I quit Facebook will I find more zen in my life?
- Should I go to yoga today even if it mean giving up dinner with the family?
- Should I give it all up and just make aromatherapy bath salts?
- Will I feel different, better, settled, peaceful when the kids leave home and I have more time for myself?
- Will I then be able to write one of the books floating around in my head, nagging me to “SHINE MY LIGHT in the world!”
- … and what the heck is my son’s bearded dragon doing to make so MUCH NOISE, sheesh!
It really is enough to drive me back to bed and put the covers over my head, for like, a year…
… oh the time, the endless pressure of time. Even when I have a whole day, I still can’t get to my own things – I don’t even know what they are….
It was only when I lived through the summer solstice light, far above the Arctic Circle, the light of the longest day in our year, the totality of white, white, ever-pervasive light, day after day, that I experienced our desperate need for darkness, for shadow, for relief from clarity, sharpness, and rationality that this present world demands….a need for soft lines, blendedness, greys….to respect one’s need to be sometimes out of focus, unformed, blurred.
I have had to give up ‘winning big’ because I love my life when I am connected to it, and I hate it when it and I get caught up in competition and deadlines. Then I have an overriding sense of impatience….my foot taps…I swallow food whole, I spill the coffee as I pour it, I burn myself on the stove…I rip, and wrench, and tear. There is a violence that takes over every act and shrieks orders at me.
Judith Duerk, Circle of Stones: Woman’s Journey to Herself
And so I am practicing turning within. The material desires, the professional desires, the physical desires will not bring peace.
My answers lie in the still quiet voice of The Great Creator – all I have to do is listen.